the idea of going home for the holidays always causes me a huge amount of anxiety and stress, and this is a big deal because i am normally a very calm and laid-back person. last night, nick (my boyfriend) asked me why home causes me so much anxiety, and honestly, i didn’t know how to answer him. i spent 18 years of my life there, but now the thought of being there for more than 1 day fills me with dread.
the more time i’ve spent at college, the less time i’ve wanted to spend at home.
i think it ultimately comes down to the fact that i’ve changed since i left home. i’ve spent three years of my life on my own, and in my mind, going home is a threat to my independence. i love being on my own and deciding how i spend my time. i love staying up late and drinking tea all day long. i love watching movies with nick. i love immersing myself in new shows on Netflix. i love going out with my roommates on the weekends. i love ordering a large pizza at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday night. i love my life here.
but when i’m home, i feel like i need to hide the person i’ve become. i want to clarify that in no way am i ashamed of who i am or how i spend my time, but there is an unspoken pressure to be the same girl who left three years ago.
i am not the same person i was when i left
every time i go home, i am confronted with this struggle. but this holiday break, i am going to (try to) overcome it. i hate feeling this way, and although i know none of these thoughts and emotions are logical, they still hold a power over me. before i leave for home, i am going to spend the day praying and reinforcing truth into my illogical heart. wish me luck, and i’ll let you know how things go.
may your holidays be peaceful and full of love and laughter
xo – kylie anne